Archive for September, 2009

Short Takes is a quick segment where I’ll try to answer as many Twitter questions as possible with just 1 sentence. Let’s see what we can do:

No, unless you’re in Montana, then it varies by county.

Yes, to both questions, which leads to tweets such as yours!

Feels slightly chilly, with a chance of afternoon adultery.

Alien abductions nightly contribute to the woman’s need to walk alone.

Makes you something that’s unfit to print on BetterAskJon!

Pozeup is, but I think we all know what she’ll serve for desert.

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World-class wine expert Jon here, and I’m glad you brought this (unwittingly) to my attention. When someone describes a wine as crunchy, they generally mean that the wine is so damn good that a variety of insects have decided to imbibe along with humans (This is why in the olden days, people would put a rock over their chalice to discourage drunk flies – true story!). And if any of these small drunkards have too much and fall in, you get crunchy wine. There you have it!

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• Twitter Weekly Digest for 2009-09-06: http://ping.fm/27qKP #
• While Pregnant: http://ping.fm/uWHFq #

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Jon, being male, has not had the opportunity to be pregnant yet. And unless a modern breakthrough occurs, he probably never will. Thus the following advice is, I suppose, without first-hand knowledge:

Is it OK to smoke weed when ur pregnant?

NO

My, that was an easy one to answer. Seriously, being pregnant puts a damper on a lot of things, mzpickett22. Here’s some other things it’s not OK to do while pregnant:

• drink alcohol
• ride roller coasters
• enter to “who can get kicked in the stomach longest” contests.

But since you seem to be interested in smoking weed as well, here’s Jon’s recommended times it’s OK to smoke weed:

• Alien invasions
• Zombie attacks
• Tuesday, around 8 PM
• in self defense
• under (non-flammable) covers
• in a box
• with a fox
• in a house
• with a mouse

Wait… those last 4 may belong to some other activity. Aw heck, if you start smoking you may engage in that activity too I suppose.

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• Twitter Weekly Digest for 2009-08-30: http://ping.fm/dGM0q #
• Jon is Always In Her Mind: http://ping.fm/14B5O #
• Creep Alert!: http://ping.fm/WDAWC #
• Where to begin?: http://ping.fm/s739n #
• Rubber Bands At Night: http://ping.fm/vI9EH #
• Obsession Is Just Love Gone too Far: http://ping.fm/NMrom #
• Thirsty, Desperate, & Lame: http://ping.fm/1XpTk #
• A Wife: http://ping.fm/0XdHd #

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Wife: Person who performs various duties that another person (commonly known as the husband) does not wish to do, sometimes with complaint however usually without much. In return the husband provides support in a few time-honored traditional ways, such as bug killing and yard work.

I honestly don’t know why you’d ask probl3mchi1d – based on your spelling and overall comprehension level (inferred from your post), I doubt you or fairythug will encounter wives anytime soon.

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The question above makes me really wonder what celebrities have enough free time to follow random people. Perhaps game show hosts? Or those relegated to the infamous R-list (It’s really, really, far down from the A-list). But assuming that this phenomenon happens (celebrities following random begger ppl), then the bigger question here comes from the adjectives that describe the practice: thirsty

Desperate

Translation: "I’m looking for a girl, age 17 to 26, for nice time spent together. +421 902 323 550"

and Lame

What do those adjectives have to describe in this question? The begging? The celebrities? The ppl regardless? Who knows. But enough of this prologue and picture stuff, let’s actually answer the question:

People go around begging celebrities to follow them because they enjoy having a trail of semi-famous people in their wake. Who hasn’t wanted Pat Sajak behind them when walking to the men’s room at the bar? And who wouldn’t want Martha Stewart a few steps back when baking cookies. Now that I think about it, and envision it (I mean, think about having Martha, French, and Patrick Stewart all following you…), it doesn’t sound all that lame and desperate. I am thirsty though.

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At a glance, the above post makes me sad – sounds like the love they have has finally come down from the “above highest mountain” or “circling multiple earths” level. Why is that a good thing? Well as you can see from my dictionary post, I really don’t think love bordering on Obsession is a good thing. But heck, for all I know they obsessed over each other night and day and both loved the attention.

I realize this isn’t as funny as usual, however perhaps this is one of those informative posts. Ones where I take a moment to tell you something factual, such as the fact that obsessions can lead to such uncomfortable feelings that people develop behaviors just to get rid of the nagging obsession. So perhaps your obsession is the safety of your family – that’s not a bad thing right? You think about Ninjas attack them at night while you sleep, and you’re determined to stop that.

Yea, stop this guy!

so you decide that the only sane thing to do is lock your door, and make damn sure it’s locked, by say unsetting and setting the deadbolt a few times to make sure it’s really locked. I’d say 100 times ought to do it. If you agree, congratulations, you’ve just created a compulsion!

He’s obsessed with mountains & dorkiness 

Now that you’ve got an obsession & a compulsion, you may qualify for a disorder. How Fun… OK, not really.

So if you’re love is above Tallest building and Roundest Earth levels, just be careful – don’t want it going too far!

Oh, and remember how I said this wasn’t a funny post, after looking at that last picture, perhaps I was wrong.

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Ever walk into a room halfway through a conversation and wonder what the hell someone is talking about? First of all, i’ve never found that rubberbands are all that expensive, so I’m reading this wondering what sort of premium rubber are used in such things. Then I think “Come on Jon, something else must be expensive”, and so I click on KayRomance and find:

Oh HELL NO! Now I’ll never know what they were talking about. Now the more sane ones of you out there may be thinking “Uh, braces dumbass”, to which I A) take offense and B) Respectfully point out the following line:

“She had the same thing!”

Which makes whatever they are talking about not sound like a routine dental procedure but something abnormal. So either it’s not braces, or they’re talking about something like super mega braces, the kind you’d use to correct this:

Of course his teeth actually look pretty straight (And I really dig his smirk). So Sorry Better Ask Jon readers – I have no idea what the expensive rubberbands are used for. A bit of me is sad when someone protects their twitter gold. So I watch this and it makes me feel better, at Bob Barker’s expense:

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I’m not sure what to make of this question. Truth be told, it’s one that I would expect Mr. Tony to write up, but I’ll take a stab at it. Since I’m not sure what the real question is here, I’m going to make some observations:

1. Apparently it’s trendy when you have a username that starts with Flyy to only communicate with other Flyys

2. Some girls perpetuate the myth that their sex is not “alldat”

3. And those girl’s heads are crazy… possibly.

4. FlyyBoogz really wants Flyyharlem to ansa something that he seems to already know.

5. Why put an extra Y at the end of “ever” when you’re so short on characters you already have to abbreviate half of your words to hit 140 chars?

6. What the hell is TwitterRide? I’ve never heard of that client. Maybe it’s only for gangstas to update their fly twittas on.

If you think you have a better answer for FlyyBoogz, please post it below. Maybe it will help him and I both understand better what this post is about!

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