Archive for August, 2009

In? Are you sure you don’t mean On? ‘Cause if it’s On, then you should ask this guy

Anyway dewisavriani, why am I always in your mind? Well because I write awesome posts that people literally fall over themselves laughing at (or maybe they’re laughing at me, I’m not sure, and really don’t care). Anyway, I can see why you’d be infatuated with Better Ask Jon! and it’s cool with me. I would suggest, however, that you get over me. I’m taken, and while the website will always be there for you, I may not be when I become a big internationally known star. Sorry babe, that’s how life will do ya.

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• [New Q!] Twitter Weekly Digest for 2009-08-23: http://ping.fm/koqxX #
• Uh, Why Don’t You Ask Him?: http://ping.fm/ilgfv #
• Capes Are Awesome: http://ping.fm/bW3Ju #
• How Can I Answer Questions?: http://ping.fm/1eAQI #
• How Much Yarn?: http://ping.fm/VtXdY #
• For sell? Really?: http://ping.fm/U8nvu #
• Itchy Knuckles: http://ping.fm/k9IRn #
• Changing US Secondary Education: http://ping.fm/TqgHQ #

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Well, the way I was taught was generally pretty boring. So I’d probably do the following non-curriculum related things to “spice it up” a bit:

1. All teachers would be required to have a visible tatoo
2. Gym teachers would not speak, only grunt (Most do anyway), and students could figure out what they wanted them to do in a makeshift game of charades
3. Homeroom would also grant sanctuary from any offense.
4. That horn from the Price is Right would sound anytime a student got a question wrong.
5. Math classes and Home Ec. classes would be combined. After all, once you leave school the only time you really need math is to figure out how many quarts are in a cup, or how to double/triple/quadruple a recipe.
6. Principals would be recruited from B-List celebrities.
7. Mid-day Rodeos would be held.
8. Remember Halloween when you could dress up at school? Well in my system, you could do that every day.
9. Donuts would be served in your first period class.
10. Bill Lumberg would be available for hire (he works cheap) to explain missing assignments to teachers (“Um yea… need you to take that late homework on Saturday without complaining.. yea..”)

And those are just some of the changes. Others would be way funnier.

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Yes, itchy knuckles is a very common occurrence when you live near Lake Erie.  Most people use one of these to relieve themselves.

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Yes, absolutely.  I stock  the only rare and vintage  food stamps this side of the Mississippi River.  Visit http://tinyurl.com/mul9yo and get them while you still can!

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Dear Jon,

How much yarn is too much?

Alyson, NY

OK, so how much yarn is too much? If you’re a knitter or crochetter you’re probably quite in love with Yarn, so I’ll spell it out for you. If you have enough yarn to make your cat look at you as if to say this:

You may have too much. And if your bedroom wall looks like this:

You do have too much. Seek help.

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Answering questions looks easy but actually takes quite a bit of work. I mean first you must actually know how to write. Then you must be able to open a web browser, and make up some snarky reply with the rare nugget of factual and useful information mixed in. Over the next few weeks I’m hoping to bring in some “guest” answer’ers on BetterAskJon, starting with Tony’s Strange Questions & Unique Answers. If you want to answer questions, feel free to send me your info using the “Ask” form on the right!

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Well, if you couldn’t figure it out from the title, it’s simple why they have capes. Capes are awesome. Think about it, whenever you see someone wearing a cape you assume they’re pretty awesome (Or a mental patient, but let’s not go down that road). Capes are made to serve no functional purpose, and anyone who has money to waste on a piece of clothing that serves no real purpose must A) have money, and B) Money buys friends, and C) Friends mean awesome. So that’s why they wear them – to flaunt their “better than you-ness” and “richer than you-ness” all at the same time. I guess that means super hero’s are jerks also – a revelation you’ll find only on BetterAskJon!

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A bit personal of a question don’t you think? I mean, how would you like it if I twittered “Hey, was Faazon a dork in high school?” or “Hey, was Faazon the person I saw sneaking out of Mrs. Robinson’s window when her husband came home early from work"?”. I say if you’re so curious, you ask the Man himself, and don’t come crying to me when he asks his Dad to beat you up.

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After extensive testing (consisting of me sitting here and snapping my fingers for 5 seconds), it appears the sound comes from your middle finger and thumb. Further evidence supporting this is the fact that my middle finger makes a loud snap but never touches my palm on the follow-through. So snap freely, and cease worrying about latent palm damage.

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